Thursday, June 22, 2017

The Human Design... Not all Bad!

Whatever or whoever it was that designed the human, had to have been at the least, a sadist. Now the design isn’t all that bad, it’s just that there were a few flaws, for both man and woman. Well I call them flaws.

For instance, women have to go through that monthly cycle, and as if that isn’t bad enough, just the process makes the female species turn into raving lunatics, one minute it’s all fine, the next, the male just may have a fork protruding from his neck… and for no apparent reason, other than he was within stabbing or throwing distance.
Now although the female thinks men are stupid, we aren’t that stupid to go poking the “bear” with a stick. Most times we keep a fair distance during those trying times. Even so, accidents… and untimely deaths due occur.

Other than that one “little” flaw, I kind of like the overall female design… bumps and all! Oh, speaking of “bumps” did you know that doctors try to iron them when checking for any bumps within those bumps? They call this a mammogram, if i was female, I'd call it some kind of sadistic torture, even if it is necessary now and then! Dayum, that must hurt!

Men, for the most part have been designed fairly well. Although as we age, the “innards” design breaks down and can cause some trouble. Oh,before I move on, the only outer design flaw I can truly think of, as we men age, is that quite often our stomachs protrude further than our little willies do, or as I call it, we become members of the dicky-do club. Yup, our bellies stick out further than our dicky do! I’d have though whoever it was that designed us, would have installed a string attachment for when we got older. I personally use the "pepper method". I keep a little pepper shaker and tweezers with me at all times. When I have to go, I sprinkle some pepper on the little willie, when he sneezes, I grab him with the tweezers!

Now the innards design, well, take for instance the prostate. What the hell were whoever it was, thinking. Apparently this little bugger grows bigger as we get older, causing all kinds of problems. It seems the prostate likes to send out semi false alarms as we sleep, telling us we have to pee. So off we trudge to the bathroom in the middle of the night, leaving lights off, cause we don’t feel like fully waking up at 3 in the morning. We stand with “willie in hand,” and it’s like a bad fireworks show. Never knowing when it is going to begin, than a small squirt, and we are left wondering if it’s all over.

Sometimes this little bugger falls ill, and when that happens, it isn’t good for us males. One can only hope he stays healthy, even if he does make us pee or at least want to, when we really don’t. So good old doc has to finger our poor asses to check on this little nuisance.

While he’s checking the old prostate out, he casually asks, “So, how's the old colon?” SOB. This is when he decides he is going to have shove a flag pole up there with a camera attached. Some may call this fun, me, I call it a pain in the ass. Before this little adventure, they give you something much like an atom bomb, to flush out your system, so they can get a better “picture” of the inside, heaven forbid you aren’t near a toilet when that stuff kicks in. At the very least, you may want to keep a knapsack with you containing a change of clothes.

So what have we learned? One, woman go bat shit crazy during that time of month. Men, be very careful when approaching the menstruating female. I suggest a bullet proof vest, and a helmet at the very least. Remember to try and be nice, for all the good it will do you. Ladies, I know it pains you, but take care of the boobies. They look nice, and they are fun to play with, ask any man.

The Male Prostate

So what have we learned?
  •  One, woman go bat shit crazy during that time of month. Men, be very careful when approaching the menstruating female. I suggest a bullet proof vest, and a helmet at the very least. Remember to try and be nice, for all the good it will do you. 
  • Two, Ladies, I know it pains you, but take care of the boobies. They look nice, and they are fun to play with, ask any man. 
  • Three, Men do not feel the need to have sticks and cameras shoved up their ass! That isn't a smile on their face, it's a cringe to keep the tears away!


KEEP YOURSELF SAFE: Canadian Cancer Society

I apologize for this writing, it just so happens I had no idea what I might write about today, and still felt the need to tap my keys, you lucky devils...


Saturday, June 3, 2017

The LGBTQandDQ Community

Yes folks, The LGBT has started adding letters, if they keep going, their letterhead alone, will take up the whole sheet of paper, before any writing can be added. It wasn't enough to just be the LGBT community, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender community, now they have officially added Queer to their name, but I say why stop there? 

No folks, DQ does not stand for Dairy Queen, at least not in this case.It stands for Drag Queen. So why not add D Q to it and get it all over with. After all, someone, has decided that having a drag queen show at an elementary school was a good idea. I'm sure that idea is right up there with throwing gas on the fire. 

Now before anyone wants to take me out and draw and quarter me, I have no problem with the gay community. As long as they don't try to "convert" me. If they become like jehovahs and mormans, going door to door, trying to shove their way of life down my throat, then I will have a problem with them... or I should say, they will have a problem with me. 

As to transgenders, I really don't understand them. I think if they are one thing, and want to be another, that's just fine, but at the end of the beer drinking, they had better end up in the right washroom.I don't care if your wearing a fucking dress, if you have a dick hanging between your legs, you fuck off to the mens washroom, and not interupt my wife, or my grand daughter in the ladies room. If you want to peep, go watch internet porn. 

 Now Queers, isn't that what people called gays? I had thought they didn't like that expression, are they now going backwards in their thinking? Just another thing I don't understand. 

Oh boy! drag queens..... Just another name for sick individuals to play dress up. They are  usually men who I have to assume just haven't made their minds up to whether they are gay, or want to be women. I think this is one example of human, that should stay in the fucking closet, till they finally decide. 
I don't think they belong in an elementary school, reading stories to impressionable children, or putting on a "show" for them. 

Who the hell was the idiot that decided this was a good idea. I also want to know if they still have their job? If they do, their bosses are idiots too. The whole fucking works of them should have been fired. 
A childs life can be complicated enough, so someone has decided to try and confuse them more? WHY? 

This is only my own theory, or conclusion, but whoever did decide this was a good idea, hasn't children of their own, secretly doesn't like children, are closet drag queens themselves, or hates their boss and their job.

Well folks, if you took the time to watch, I'd really appreciate your opinion.... just remember, Don't Kill the Messenger... :)

Friday, June 2, 2017

Rants From the Depths of My Mind...

Have you ever said anything outloud, and after doing so, you wish you could have went back in time long enough to tell yourself to shut the fuck up? Well, if you haven't you are a much better person than I! Although I do manage some self control, but DAYUM it's difficult at times. 
Take for instance, me riding on the bus. These are some of the things I want to say, but often find myself either cursing, laughing, or biting my tongue. One of the few times I seem to actually control my tongue, but then I hear fighting on the bus gets your ass kicked off, and I'm not a big fan of walking those long distances anymore! So, Take a look inside my head...

   Getty images *

Jeez guy, that's pretty, pink, green, blue and purple hair. What the fuck happened, couldn't decide on a color? How's that working out for those job interviews? What, No interviews? STOP sending  your pics of that peacock hair with your resume, asshole!

Now ain't he cute? *
one, two, three, fifty.... lady, anyone as big as you, should not be wearing yoga pants that tight, that I can count the hairs on your... well you know what I mean. Camel toe, dayum, have to invent a whole new word for whatever that is your sporting in them pants. 

Now that's just "effing" scary! *
Okay, so tell me, is that seat more comfortable than the one you just left? The one that is just behind this one? I had no idea the Transit company installed more comfortable seats in unknown places. Oh, and your getting out at the next stop, which should be in about... 40 seconds from now. Not to mention that the old man there had to move so you could squeeze your ass by. 

Lady, they have fold up seats right in the front so you can place your little rugrat in their stroller out of the aisle. Now I don't mind having to squeeze past, although if I had my say about these things, there'd be a tow rope on the outside of the bus at the back, and all you stroller mamas would be holding on to that, same goes for all those people in the wheelchairs. 

Google Images *

Sir, you, the guy that still has the Elvis haircut and sideburns... If you took a shower with water, you would save a lot of money. Instead of bathing in aftershave, try some soap and water. It'll be cheaper for you, and healthier for us, cause then we just may be able to  take a breath, without having the wind taken right out of us. Yea, and that lady up there, is she your girlfriend, or wife? She's just as friggin bad, what's that perfume called? "Ode to Skunk?"

Jeez, you stink, take a bath! *
Well folks, there you have a look at the inside of my head, and that was only on a 20 minute bus ride... have you any idea how much crap there is in my head? It scares the crap out of me!

* all images from Google Images....

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Killing the Solitude

I don't know about any of you, but when I get up in the morning, I actually like the silence. The last thing I want is a bunch of questions about things I probably don't give a dayum about. I do three things each morning, it has become my morning ritual. 

 I turn the kettle on, walk off to the bathroom and try to hit the hole while my eyes are only half open. I next, make my way back to the kettle, make a coffee. I pick up said coffee and waunder to my computer desk, sit down in front of my computer, enter the password, (incorrect) because I'm often still fuzzy eyed, and fuzzy brained, so incorrect has been the perfect password, it's easy to remember! 

That is my morning ritual, yet there is always someone who thinks they need to disrupt that sacred ritual with idiotic questions. That someone is my wife most times, and if she reads this, once again I will be on her "shit list". Not the first time, and I'm certain it won't be the last time. I don't mind the sirens blaring outside, the car ms going off, or even the friggin birds chirping away, although I have no idea what the fuck they are chirping away at 5:30 in the morning. These are all regular happenings, which I know I have no control.

This morning silence thing has been been on going since I was a little babe! Below is the first pic of me taking questions when I have just gotten up!

You can see my intense "interest" 

Today was one of those days that my wife thought I might want to have a conversation about absolutely nothing of importance when I first fell out of my nest at 5:30 am. She isn't a mind reader, that's for sure, if she was, I would have awoken to silence! 

I just may have rolled over and went back to sleep for awhile, but her insistance on conversation killed the moment. The irony of all this is, after we both got up, and she had a coffee, which was made by me, she decided she wasn't rested enough, and crawled her ass back to bed.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sitting here enjoying the silence, but for some reason, her going back to bed, and me awake, has left me feeling ripped off, in some odd way!  

This is me at the moment, not giving a dayum!

Have a great day! 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I Can See The Hesitation in Their Eyes

I don't often offer my hand when meeting someone for the first time. It isn't because I'm stand-offish, or that I think I'm better than/or above them, it's because I hate to see that look of hesitation when I hold out my hand, and they see, for the first time, the psoriasis.
My psoriasis first showed up at the age of 13, and started on my lower leg. That particular patch, looked like I had been riding on a motorcycle, and had burnt my leg on the exhaust, which by the way, I often used as an excuse when I wore shorts in the summertime. 
Over the years, the psoriasis has spread to other areas, most notable is my hands.The first foru fingers of my right hand, and the first 3 of my left. When I have a bad outbreak, it makes it very difficult to work, because just bending my fingers often result in them cracking and bleeding.
Several weeks ago, we did a job for a police officer, who wanted his basement boarded and taped. We showed up late in the afternoon to look over what he wanted done, and to give him a quote for the work. Of course when we enetered his home, he offered his hand, and hesitantly I shook his hand. Don't want to upset the cops here, they'll beat you silly and laugh about it, and get away with it,too! 
Anyway, there was that look. It often makes me feel about 2 feet tall, and after so many years, I get tired of explaining what it is, and that it isn't contagious. In this case I actually did. I don't, very often. 
I've tried many creams and ointments to relive the symptoms and outbreaks, but none have completely cleared up all the areas. I've been to skin specialists, and a numerous amount of doctors, and still I have to deal with it,daily. I heard on television a new process, and so far haven't looked into it, but it is suppose to have a great success rate. 
Most recently I came across  an item on the internet that I've been told has achieved great results. I peronally haven't tried it myself, but     I have put a pic that you can click and check it out for yourself if you also suffer with psoraisis, and think it maybe something your interested in. 

Click the above pic for more info.....

Friday, April 21, 2017

Cracks, Creaks, Moans and Groans

The past couple of days have found me helping lay a hardwood floor. I love the work, the work doesn't like me. I have a "friend" who decided to join in with the work, Arther Ritis. Actually he isn't much help at all, and just gets in the way. 
I made it through the first day... barely. The first four hours were fine, and after that, it was all downhill from there. We made the mistake of taking a short lunch break. I sat down to have a snack, and things began happening that I didn't even know were happening. 
It was only when I went to stand up, that I noticed my legs didn't want to work. First there was a slow creaking noise, much like that of a rusty door hinge, then there was a sudden crack, which at first, I thought something broke, then came the moan, and finally the big finish... the groan. 
I'd like to tell you the getting up was the hard part... but I won't. The getting back down was just as bad. The only difference was that the moan and groan came before the creak and the crack on the way down... and so the rest of the day was a series of them all together.
The man who I was helping said, "I'll sleep like a baby tonight, after doing this all day". He did... I didn't. It seems old Arther Ritis followed me home, and snuck in my bed. With each slow movement, it was like a bad chorus, creak, crack, moan and groan...
The next day was to see the finish of the flooring, and then we would put on the baseboards. I was a little disillusioned... I'd thought things would be much easier. Nope. Old Arther Ritis assured me I was in for a rough day, and I'll be dayumed if he wasn't right.
Yes folks, I'm old beyond my years, and I'm not happy about it,either.